That will do.
I can’t even begin to express all of my emotions: anger, sadness, guilt, emptiness, hatred I feel towards you. The list truly goes on. Seeing you and talking to you, doesn't seem to be changing these emotions much. Though through the past visit's I do feel something, not sure what it is, if it's compassion or love. I don't know!
Through the years I've wondered why you never wished to see me or speak to me. I will never really understand it. I've prayed about it, and I've tried talking to people about it but no one really understands. To me the most painful part, of this whole situation is wondering if you ever wondered about me. Did you wonder what I was doing? What kind of friends I have? Or what plans I have for my future? If I have another father figure in my life?
All this pain I've been left with, instead of having you has made it were I'm TERRIFIED to get married, or have children! And truly being a mother, is really all I want out of this life! But, the scars you have left on my life, may make this never happen. Without a father, who will walk me down the aisle? Without a father, who will protect me from boys? What kind of life will my kids have without a grandfather? And I know deep down, if I ever do find the man God has for me and start a family with him, I will be terrified everyday, thinking he may leave. Because I want my children to have the privilege I never had! I want my children to have a Mommy and a Daddy in the same household, and be able to see what true love is!!
And even though I'm still angry and hurt, I just want you to love me! I want you to be there for me! And I want to be there for you! I want you to come to my graduation, I want you to support me in my future Midwifery career! I want you to say that's my princess, proudly! I want you to give me away on my wedding day! I want you to be a grandfather to my future grandchildren! I want you to take me to dinner for no reason. I want to able to talk to you about anything! I want you to protect me, and love me!
I have severe envy over the relationships my friend's have with their fathers. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I don’t want to wake up everyday and feel like something is missing from my life. I want a NORMAL life! One with both parents, I don't care if y'all are together. That's not important to me! But, I want both of the people whom made me to love me, and be a part of my life! Yes, I have been blessed with a wonderful mommy! A mom whom stepped up to be a man when my father didn't, a mom in which took of my training wheels, a mom whom cheered me on, tucked me into bed, a mom whom held a job and cooked the meals! She did her part and yours too! And I thank my Mom for being both my mommy and daddy!
You were the first man to break my heart and I'm still struggling not to hate you. I keep thinking I was suppose to me "your little girl", you shouldn't hurt your little girl!
You may have thought I didn't need you. But EVERY girl needs a daddy! I just can't see how you can sleep at night knowing your daughter, your flesh, your blood, your DNA, your love doesn't know who you are? How did you do it? Did you tell yourself I didn't exist, I was better off, I wasn't yours? How did you get through the years?
I'm not even sure if your absence is a blessing or a curse!You have taught me not to trust ANY man, which in some ways is a blessing but in others it's a curse. Will I ever find the love of my life, or will I be to afraid of him leaving?
I'm 17 now, and despite everything I truly blessed! I believe I am a good human being. Some may disagree but I feel proud of my self! And that's all that matters! I've made it through lot's of hardships! Because I do have a father! A heavenly father! A father whom will NEVER do me wrong! And will always be there for me! A father who will love me no matter what! He will carry me when I'm crawling. And will NEVER abandon me!
I do wish I knew more about you then how to live without you! After seeing you, and me meeting you I realized i have your eyes. And will always think of you when I look in the mirror, and just so you know my eyes are one of my favorite qualities about my self! So thank you!!
I hope when this is all said and done, and you are better. That we can begin to build our father and daughter relationship. I know it won't be easy, but hopefully it will be worth it!
Sincerely,
"Your daughter" Gabrielle
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