A Father in the Shadows

My biological father has never been a part of my life. My mom divorced him, while pregnant with me.  Before you go bashing her, she did it for me and my 6 year old brother. She didn't want us growing up in that situation. After my mother left, my father never contacted me and never gave my mother any child support money. My mom struggled with two young kids for years, but did the best she could do (and she deserves a pat on the back for that).

My brother, Mom and me back in May. Man do we love this woman! Talk about strong! 

 As a child, I couldn't understand why my father was absent from my life. My mother would explain in bits and pieces but, I never really understood. Everyone else had a daddy, but me. I especially remember being at my Uncle Doug's and Aunt Tammy's (My mom's brother and sister in law) and seeing how much he loved his kids, he would sit there with them when he came home and help them with their homework, he played ball with him, and gave them encouragement. I remember thinking I wish I had him as a dad, or a dad period. Or the time I was  in T-ball at age 5, I remember all the other player's dad's would cheer them on and encourage them , as for me my mom spoke the words of encouragement, but it wasn't the same to me.
From day one I only had a mother, a mother whom loved me with all her heart and fought everyday for my brother and I. Something I didn't understand till my teenage years, though I never and will never understand how a father can be absent from HIS child's life, it was something I accepted. As I matured I discovered the real reasons my mom, left him. And grew a hatred for my father, and thanked my mom for not letting me grow up with that. My mother never trashed my father, as she felt I shouldn't hear anything negative out of her about a man whom gave her me. Though my family whom are very outspoken didn't agree, I heard so many stories about how ugly he was and what a drunk he was, I remember laughing when my grandpa would tell me "With a father like that, I'm surprised you turned out so pretty, we surely thought we'd have to tie a bone around your neck to get the dog to play with you" But as it turned out I was a beautiful baby :)


And out of the blue  on January 7, 2011 I got a message from a strange man on Facebook, and being cautious I asked the man who he was, and if I knew him. I learned he was a friend of my biological father. I remember thinking "And?"  and found out that he just wanted to see a picture of me. I started wondering what he was like and asked the man, if my father did want to contact him. To my surprise he said yes, but wanted to talk on the phone first and eventually meet in person. Being young and immature and also still hurt I chickened out, but still stayed in contact to the man through Facebook.  And as the year went on, I started to regret not giving him a chance.  I thought of the man, who was watching his daughter grow up in pictures.
That he didn't even receive him self but through his mom, Grandma or from his friend whom was friend's with my on Facebook. I pictured him going through my album on Facebook labeled "Blast of the past" that contain images from my childhood and wondered what he thought.

      Did he look at my baby picture and think I wish I  was there?

        Did he see my one year old picture, and think wow I missed so much already in just a year.

And, on my two year old picture, did he say "Finally some hair"? 

Did he see my bother and I playing football and think That's my girl?

Did he see the picture of my first day of school and think I could be walking her to class everyday. 

or did he think wow she has my eyes.

Did he see the picture of my first dance and think he better get his hands off my daughter

Did he see my sweet sixteen pictures and think wow, 16 years I've missed.

All question in which flooded my mind through the years. 

   And then again out of the blue on December 8th, 2012 I received a Facebook message from this man stating that my father was in the hospital in a near by town.  I don't know why but I acted like it was my best friend in the hospital and instantly fell into pieces. I shook as my lips trembled. Who could I talk to about this, for some reason I didn't want to tell my mom but I knew I had to, I texted her letting her know what was going on, and to my surprise she replied would you like to go see him, my heart raced at that thought. I didn't know what I wanted to do, I was filled with too much sorrow and guilt. I instantly contacted my friend Jacqueline whom had been there for me in a recent heart break. She told me to follow my heart, that only I could make a decision so big. And offered to go with me. I decided that she was right, this was a big decision and I needed to pray about it. I asked God that If this is something I need to do, to show me a sign so I know. As I woke up Sunday morning I was greeted by the song "Stealing Cinderella" and knew that was my answer, it's amazing how god speaks to us. I texted my mom and told her my decision, I then contacted my friend Shelby and ask her to go with me, knowing my friend Jacqueline had a busy day ahead of her. I knew I needed some prayer, support and mainly love to get me through the day so I messaged my close friends and told them what was going on and asked them to keep me and him in his prayers.

The drive up there wasn't what I thought i would be. I thought I wouldn't be able to control my emotions and would be excessively crying. But no that wasn't the case, I got in the car laughing due to Shelby's crazy parking. I sat in the front seat with my mom who drove us. Leaving Shelby in the back seat with my five year old sister, whom had somehow gotten a hold of some stickers, and soon Shelby was covered in stickers :). We then jammed out to some of my favorite music from my Ipod,  which we all now included some Shania Twain :) keeping my mind of what I was headed to do.

As I walked in the hospital I suddenly felt stronger, I made it this far I thought to my self, I can make it up to the second floor and into his room. I told my mom I was fine and asked her to leave, knowing I wouldn't be as strong with her there. Though she wanted to make sure I went to the right place she escorted me to the front desk in which they told me he was located in CCU in RM.2. And that when I reached the room I would need to dial the phone, and have the nurse buz me in. When I entered the waiting room I noticed a man and woman waiting, I wondered if they were there to see my father. My heart raced as I dialed the phone and spoke to the nurse, she let me know a nurse was in there at the moment and she would buzz me in when they were done. As I hung up the phone I heard the lady ask if I was there to see "Chance" my mom told her yes, she asked who I was. My mom said I was his daughter. "His daughter" I thought to my self. As we spoke the door opened and the nurse appeared and welcomed me in the room, I told my mom bye  as she walked off and Shelby and I entered into the room. I barely shut the door before I lost it, I couldn't believe what I was doing. I was in the same room as my father, he was here, I was here. Shelby and I awkwardly sat down in the chairs. I wiped my tears away and took in the view, there was my father, the man I fantasized about, and the man I despised.  I stared at him, trying to see what features I got from him, I was always told I was a spitting image of my mother and her mother. But knew there had to be something Inherited from him. I texted  Jacqueline  letting her know I was "meeting" him, and that I wasn't sure what to do, or how to act. He wasn't conscious so it was like staring at a corpse. She told me just to hold his hand, let him know I was there and tell him about me. I soaked in the text and thought I don't "know" this guy, how can I just go up and grab his hand and tell him ALL about me.  I looked at Shelby and slowly made my way over to his bed, and as I did the doctor appeared through the curtain, he asked if I had any questions. I asked him what happened and if there was anything genetic I should know about it. He asked me if he seemed to be in good health before this, I said honestly I don't know, this is my first time meeting him. The doctor suddenly got quiet and stared at my father's feet. I wiped away my tears and continued to ask questions. And after the doctor left I sat back in my chair and resumed staring at the man whom helped create me. After a few awkward minutes I worked up the courage to go back up to his bed. I made my way to him and pushed away the sheet from his hand and grabbed my father's hand for the first time, his hands were cold as ice (seeing how he was in a coma) and a chill shiver went down my spine. And as I loosed my grip to let go, my father moved his head. I jumped a little inside and stepped back physically, but he was still stiff, with his eyes taped over. I covered his hand back up and went back to my chair across the room, and asked Shelby what I should say to him, and how do you talk to your father? She shrugged her shoulders and went back to her phone to keep away from the awkwardness  The doctor then entered again I meet him at the foot of the bed, and watched as he removed the tape from my father's eyes, after he removed it he grabbed some eye drops and opened my father's eye lids, I looked into my father's deep blue eyes for the first time and suddenly my baby blues filled with tears, I slowly went back to my seat and gripped the arm of the chair (my nervous habit . After the doctor left the room I walked back over to his bed and asked Shelby to step outside to grab a piece of paper. As she disappeared through the door I grabbed his hand and told him I was Gabby, His daughter, I let him know I was blessed with a amazing family and great friends, I told him I was a senior in high school and a aspiring midwife, and told him I had to go for now.  I opened the door to allow Shelby in she slipped the paper in my hand and sat back down in her seat I grabbed a pencil from my purse and headed over to a hard surface, I began writing and thought how do I address this? Dear dad, No. Dear Chance? I guess that will have to due for now I wrote him a note of all  the things I whispered into his ear earlier. And signed it your daughter Gabby, leaving my number and address on the back I folded it up and stuffed it in his bag of belongings.  I told Shelby I was ready and we walked out back into the waiting room. Where my Aunt and Uncle were still waiting I realized my aunt was on the phone and not wanting to be rude I sat down so I could tell her bye. She looked at me and said this is your sister Jessica would you like to talk to her, I said sure and made my way up to the phone. Was weird hearing her voice  A voice in which I had only heard once in my life, the one time I meet her, years ago! We caught up with each other, along with exchanging numbers and soon said our good byes. After saying Goodbye to her I hugged my Aunt for the first time, as a 17 year old. Her arms were filled with much love, she told me how happy she was to meet me, and that she loved me. I smiled and returned her hug. And Shelby and I made our way out of the hospital

Right after leaving the hospital I texted Jacqueline  letting her know I left him a note, and told her she could call. My phone rang shortly after, and it was amazing hearing her voice and the reassurance that I did the right thing. My heart cried as she told me loved me and was way proud of me.  I thank God for such amazing friends that are there when I need them the most!! It overwhelming with so much love Sunday! Thank you to everyone for the love and support!!

18 comments of nothing but love and encouragement, not including private messages and texts. May not mean a lot to you. But, means the world to me :)

Thank you God again, for such amazing Friends and Family!! I am truly blessed!!