Update

Well, sorry been a little busy lately. And haven't blogged. So I thought I would take some time today and catch everyone up on whats been going on with my father and I.

So why have I've been so busy?

For starters, my beautiful niece finally made her appearance! On January 16th My brother and his wonderful wife welcomed a 5lb 2oz baby girl. Phoenix Ember :)

The day she was born on the top and then yesterday on the bottom



And then this is the first weekend in about 8 weeks that I have not spent with my father.
It's been okay. Like everything it has had it ups and downs.

Lets start with the ups.

He has been trying

On Jan 26th, Chet, Leeanna, Chance and I went off shore fishing. Which was my first time!

On Jan 27th, they cooked the fish and we had a good ole time!

On Feb 3rd he joined me at church. I was so happy he came!

Now I'm not going to lie and say it's all been butterfly's and rainbows! Trust me it hasn't!

 I've learned through meeting him, that I'm still working on forgiveness.

Sometimes I look at him, and see my eyes, my skin, some of my mannerisms... And start to get angry, I don't know why. But I just do. I think of my youth and how I just assumed I got my eyes from my Gma,and etc. I always thought since my father had nothing to do with me, he should have nothing to do with what I am! But I've learned. That's not how God created me! God created me as God's daughter! 

Sometimes it's just plain awkward. We will sit in the same room, car,building etc and not say a word. 

I remember one morning before school when he was here, we went to Hardee's for breakfast, and sat there barely saying anything.Not even making eye contact either. I dropped him off, and cried all the way to school. 

Sometimes when I go visit him I just want to go home. I want to go home with my mom, the woman who was/is my mom and my dad. The person who tucked me in at night, read me bed times stories, the person who took care of me when I was sick, the person who there every practice and game, the person who told me she loved me, the person who showed me god's love, The person who raised me!

And sometime's I feel bad for all the anger and hurt I feel sometimes. It's not something that is there every waking moment, but something that just creeps up on me every now and then. Some things set me off, like him telling me he will go to church with me then doesn't, or making a negative comment about something/someone I love. Guess it's all things I need to pray about, along with our relationship. 

Until next time! -Gabby

I saw God today!

So tonight, my family decided to fix hamburgers for dinner, and having just had a hamburger for lunch with my beautiful friend Jacqueline I wasn't in a hamburger mood, but my stomach craved spaghetti. So I searched the pantry high and low for sauce with no luck and still spaghetti on my mind and stomach. I decided to go to Wal-Mart and pick some sauce up, seeing how it was just up the road. But I really wasn't looking forward to getting put of my PJ's and getting "really" dressed. And unlike most Wakullians I wasn't about to wear my PJ's to Wal-Mart. So I threw on some jeans and a jacket and headed down the road.

I grabbed my sauce and headed to the "quick" check out, you know the 20 items or less?  I got in the one line and decided she was taking too long, so I moved over behind a woman and her son, who just so happened to have down syndrome. He looked about my age if not a little older, I smiled and declined her offer to go a head of them. So glad I did! And so glad I moved over. Because I got to take in the beauty and perfection of this young man as he put his and his mom's items on the check out, one by one he placed soup cans and juices, and etc. Suddenly I wasn't worried about the time or how fast the line was moving. 
He kept telling the cashier good job, as she scanned his items, she took each item from his precious hands and told him Thank you every time and great job! He smiled and said "I's smart" His mom said "Yes, yes you are" as she kissed his precious head. Then after he and his mom were finish checking out he high fived the cashier and then wrapped his arms around her and kissed her cheek as he told her he love her. She embraced his hug and returned the I love you!! Sooo sweet! Tears ran down my face as I watched this woman interacting with him in such a Godly way! No judgement, no guilt! Just love!!! 
The cashier then asked for his name and told him she would see him next time! 
He then looked at me and smiled and waved I returned both, then the words just blurted out of his mouth "Look mama there's a baby, the baby is beautiful!" Referring to the young mom behind me with her young infant in a car seat facing her, no where is sight of this young man, yet he called the child beautiful! The mom replied with a smile and a thank you! They then walked away and as they did I heard him tell his mom " I kissed her mama"... Everyone around us smiled!
 So despite all the evil in the world! You can still see God working ;) What a beautiful moment and a beautiful life! Thank you God! What a blessing to witness!! 

It's just a reminder that you never know when you are entertaining a angel! 
Reminds me of the song "What if she's a angel" 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Rur415swL4

Prey

You choose the bottle over my mom, brother and me. So my mom choose to leave the sin, to give "us" a better life! And just so you know, No one hates the sinner, just the sin!

So as you drank your life away, My mom wiped my hiney and  my tears, held my hand as I took my first steps, snuggled with me when I needed love, cheered me on in T -ball and eventually Softball, she taught me right and wrong, yes/no ma'am, thank you and please, showed me what love is and set a example of how to be a mama. All things you never had a part off, because the Devil had a part of you, he had a hold of your hand, mind, pride and soul. 

Instead of you sitting next to me as I ate dinner and shouted "That's some good con Paw-Paw" you sat next to the Devil consuming more of the Devil's poison, bottle by bottle you missed out on not only my life but yours too...

I'm sorry you had to go down that path of life. I know some people "Believe" all their questions and misery can be drowned by the bottle, but what those people don't realize is that the only way to "Drown" your pain, misery, sorrow and fear is by the blood of the Lamb! That's right! The Heavenly father, is the ONLY answer! And the only redeemer!!!!!!

God gave sight to a blind man! A blind man!!!!!! I'm sure he could take away your misery or whatever you lost in the bottle! 

1 Peter 5:8

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking some to devour.

Did you read that? A ROARING Lion! You had a lion following you around for years! You were the prey!

Well now it's time for that Lion to be YOUR prey! This is YOUR time! A new beginning for you! Though you can't go back and make up what you missed, but you can make it worth missing! I've learned these pass few weeks, what a great man you are! And how many people truly love you! And want you to succeed  We are sooooooooooooo sooooooo proud of you for not picking that bottle up since you came home!!

I bet very few girls can say the few first times they meet their father, that he made them proud! Well, I can!!!  

Please keep it up, quit running! You aren't prey anymore!!!

Guess you had to be there

Well after speaking to my father on Christmas I decided to head up his way soon. But already had plans with my friend Kristin to go see Les Miserables, recommend it!! But, just so you know before you go, It's two hours and forty five minutes long, a detail my friend left out. Glad she did, because probably wouldn't of gone and watched it (with my short attention span and all)

P.S smuggle in  some Starbucks if you have a attention span of a goldfish, like me ;)

I then planned on going to Georgia to see my father on the 27th since 26th was here and gone, so Kristin planned to go with me, but shortly found out she couldn't due to her brother being in town. So I set out to find someone to go with me, I failed miserably with it being Christmas season and all! But that's okay, I know my friends would of, if they could of! I didn't want to let my father down so I decided to go anyways, but unable to go alone, my mom joined me for the ride.

We meet Chance and Chet (His brother) at Walmart and followed them to their local Applebee's, Chance seemed a little nervous, not sure if it was the situation or the fact that my mom was there, probably a little of both! 

We sat down and ate lunch and chatted, Chet and my mom hit it off. (He's a pretty cool guy) Chance sat and listened, put a little of his two sense in but mostly looked nervously else where every now in then.

 (Who could blame him) He was sitting with his basically grown daughter whom he didn't know, and his ex wife whom he hasn't seen in 18 years. 

Applebee's food wasn't that great but the company was! After we finished eating Chance said he would like me to meet my Aunt Pam, that her house was just up the road and we could follow them there. So we began to exit Applebees my mom excused her self to the bathroom and the guys and I walked out to the truck. We got out there and Chance chuckled how he didn't know how that was going to go with my mom, but he was sure glad she came, Chet nodded in agreement I guess. 

We then went to Pam's, had a very interesting time! Lot's of laughter! On the way out, as I got into the car Chance handed me a envelope, in which contained a card. I got in the card and stared that the little piece of paper in my hand this was the first thing my father ever gave to me! I carefully opened it  which is something I never do! I'm usually too excited and rip it open! I successfully opened the card with out tearing the envelope, and as I read it my eyes began filling up with tears my heart tugged and I carefully ran my fingers over the print. 

 After visiting with Pam, we meet Jessica (My sister) at Chet's house. We sat by the fire and laughed and chatted like life time friend's! 

All and all it was a great visit and I am soooo glad I went!! 

Happy New Year!!!! 

One wing in the fire!

Sorry guys! Been a bad blogger, please forgive me! Been dealing with Exams at school, Holiday season and riding this emotional roller coaster!

I finally really "Meet" Chance (My father) Thursday December 20th. I stressed all day, which wasn't good seeing how was already stressed out with exams. But was still able to go through with it and go to the hospital to really meet my father for the "first" time.

My friend Shelby Harrell went with me, We entered the hospital and headed up to the 5th floor in which I was told that was his floor, so we rode the elevator up to the 5th floor I saw the two doors to into the ICU and slowly stopped dead in my tracks, I told Shelby i couldn't do this, she said yes you can, so I took one step and then stopped again but with that step I got my self together and forced my way through the double doors but when opened them I was greeted by a nurse I quickly asked her if she had a Chance Howell she softly said no, but she would check if he was on floor 4. She called, but didn't get a true answer so she told us to head down there. So, we went to the 4th floor and were greeted by a huge waiting room full of people, scary people I might add... I didn't see any desk or phone so I went back up the the 5th floor and told the nurse I didn't think that was the right floor, she explained to me that there was a button you pressed by the door in the corner. So we went back down and to the door, I buzzed in and was told there was no Chance in their facility, I walked away confused and headed down in the elevator to the first floor to ask the front desk. I walked up kinda frustrated but decided it wasn't the nurses fault so I softly and gently asked the lady where my father was, she rudely informed me he was on the 7th floor.

Shelby and I rode up to the 7th floor (The top floor) which neither one of us liked as we are both terrified of heights ;) I slowed down (seeing how fast walker, especially when on a mission) at the nurses station and told them I was here to see my father and asked if there was anything needed to do first, she told us to put on a mask and knock, as I was placing the mask to my face the nurse informed me that he was expecting me and would be happy to see me.

I knocked and quickly walked in (wanted to get this over with) I said "Hey, this is my friend Shelby" and quickly sat down on the couch. And as we did, he sat down in the chair next to us.


I am 17; he is 48. And as I sat there meeting him "properly" for the first time, a thousand questions rushed through my mind, Why did he drink?, Why did he never "really" try to make contact? What did he know about me? And how in this world will we try and catch up on 17 years? Childhood; family, school, dreams?

He looked weak, scrawny but firm arms, tattoos upon every arm, split brown hair with a few streaks of gray.   This man was my father.

Face-to -face the questions I prepared to ask him evaporated, my mind was a empty can. My mouth became so dry, and my words failed me.

For the first few minutes, He kept picking up the phone to call a few people and let them know I was there. It aggravated me at first but then on one of the phone calls he proudly and excitingly said hey buddy, guess who is here with me. I smiled. And talked to everyone he called :) We then started talking about my future and my family, and soon the conversation turned to him and about the choices and chances he's taken, he began to tell me it was time for a change, he was too old to be "living it up".

Through the whole conversation I kept having a little voice in the back of my head asking "Why weren't you there, Did you ever think about me?" but I soon realized that both of us had unanswered questions and accusations hanging on us like baboon.

A nurse then appeared bringing him some food and then exited. I soon found my self laughing as he chuckled "they will starve a fellow in here, glad I'll eat good tomorrow when I go home"

We then carried on with the awkward catching up and moments of silence when neither one of knew what to say. And soon the clock struck a late time so we said our goodbyes and told him to keep me updated.

He went home with his brother Friday, so he would be in a different and better environment. He has called me periodically since and I am always busy or driving so can't answer it, and for those of you who know me know I have a memory like a goldfish and forget to return the call, But I did get of the phone with him just a few minutes ago. We exchanged merry Christmas greetings and plans to meet Thursday, he said he hasn't picked the bottle back up (prayers answered)!




Merry Christmas Everyone!! Here's a few pictures to remind you of the true Reason for the Season!

One of my Favorites, But you know I'm a birth junkie! 

Probably one of my most favorites! He grew up with his hands in wood, and he died with his hands in wood! 

Update

Chance is off the Ventilator, and awake, alert and talking. He has been moved to ICU. And lungs are clearing up. He was told I have been there, and says he wants to see me.

With exams and stress that comes with them, I am going to wait till Thursday to go see him. Praying it goes well!

A letter to "daddy "

Dear Dad,

No, Let me start this again. 

Dear Sperm Donor,

No, too cruel

Dear man whom helped create me,

One last time.

Dear Chance,

That will do.

I can’t even begin to express all of my emotions: anger, sadness, guilt, emptiness, hatred I feel towards you. The list truly goes on. Seeing you and talking to you, doesn't seem to be changing these emotions much. Though through the past visit's I do feel something, not sure what it is, if it's compassion or love. I don't know! 

Through the years I've wondered why you never wished to see me or speak to me. I will never  really understand it. I've prayed about it, and I've tried talking to people about it but no one really understands. To me the most painful part, of this whole situation is wondering if you ever wondered about me. Did you wonder what I was doing? What kind of friends I have? Or what plans I have for my future?  If I have another father figure in my life? 

All this pain I've been left with, instead of having you has made it were I'm TERRIFIED to get married, or have children! And truly being a mother, is really all I want out of this life! But, the scars you have left on my life, may make this never happen. Without a father, who will walk me down the aisle?  Without a father, who will protect me from boys? What kind of life will my kids have without a grandfather? And I know deep down, if I ever do find the man God has for me and start a family with him, I will be terrified everyday, thinking he may leave. Because I want my children to have the privilege I never had! I want my children to have a Mommy and a Daddy in the same household, and be able to see what true love is!! 

And even though I'm still angry and hurt, I  just want you to love me! I want you to be there for me! And I want to be there for you! I want you to come to my graduation, I want you to support me in my future Midwifery career! I want you to say that's my princess, proudly! I want you to give me away on my wedding day! I want you to be a grandfather to my future grandchildren! I want you to take me to dinner for no reason. I want to able to talk to you about anything! I want you to protect me, and love me! 

I have severe envy over the relationships my friend's have with their fathers. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I don’t want to wake up everyday and feel like something is missing from my life. I want a NORMAL life! One with both parents, I don't care if y'all are together. That's not important to me! But, I want both of the people whom made me to love me, and be a part of my life! Yes, I have been blessed with a wonderful mommy! A mom whom stepped up to be a man when my father didn't, a mom in which took of my training wheels,  a mom whom cheered me on, tucked me into bed, a mom whom held a job and cooked the meals! She did her part and yours too! And I thank my Mom for being both my mommy and daddy! 

You were the first man to break my heart and I'm still struggling not to hate you. I keep thinking I was suppose to me "your little girl", you shouldn't hurt your little girl! 

You may have thought I didn't need you. But EVERY girl needs a daddy! I just can't see how you can sleep at night knowing your daughter, your flesh, your blood, your DNA, your love doesn't know who you are? How did you do it? Did you tell yourself I didn't exist, I was better off, I wasn't yours? How did you get through the years?

I'm not even sure if your absence is a blessing or a curse!You have taught me not to trust ANY man, which in some ways is a blessing but in others it's a curse. Will I ever find the love of my life, or will I be to afraid of him leaving? 

I'm 17 now, and despite everything I truly blessed! I believe I am a good human being. Some may disagree but I feel proud of my self! And that's all that matters! I've made it through lot's of hardships! Because I do have a father! A heavenly father! A father whom will NEVER do me wrong! And will always be there for me! A father who will love me no matter what! He will carry me when I'm crawling. And will NEVER abandon me! 

I do wish I knew more about you then how to live without you! After seeing you, and me meeting you I realized i have your eyes. And will always think of you when I look in the mirror, and just so you know my eyes are one of my favorite qualities about my self! So thank you!! 

I hope when this is all  said and done, and you are better. That we can begin to build our father and daughter relationship. I know it won't be easy, but hopefully it will be worth it! 


                            Sincerely,
                                "Your daughter" Gabrielle